Firestarter

the clouds are far behind me - one tree hill mix

finn2183@hotmail.com — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:56:54 GMT

I've had this just sitting in my laptop for a couple months, figured I might as well post it. Not sure why I didn't before. *shrugs*

So like most things I’m not sure where this came from. Probably watching S5 this year and reminiscing on the Nathan/Haley days of yore, I suppose. This is a very mellow almost melancholy sounding mix, but that wasn't really my intention while making it. If you read the lyrics of the songs I picked, they bookmark in an upbeat sense, all of the big events in Nathan and Haley’s relationship throughout the run of the series. To include: they’re falling in love, Haley discovering music, leaving Nathan and returning to him, their reconciliation and their maturing into adults and all the responsibilties and struggles that brings with it, blah, blah, blah.

This mix is SRS BZNZ guys. So recognize!

the freshmen / the verve pipe

she fell in love in the first place
for the life of me i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise and
we'd never compromise

secret valentine / we the kings

we'll write a song
that turns out the lights
when both boy and girl start suddenly shaking inside

swept away / the avett brothers

life is ever changing but i will always
find a constant and comfort in your love
with your heart my soul is bound
and as we dance i know that heaven can be found

sparrow / scatteredtrees

singer, i have found that by tearing at the ground
i could make it to you, dear, in time
for words of yours and words of mine
to be my true escape

from where I’m standing / schuyler fisk

from where i'm standing
you're the quiet side of the road
you're looking so lonely
and i can't stop looking at you
your head is hanging
trying to beat those goodbye blues

buildings and mountains / the republic tigers

we've been waiting all our lives
for things we've always had
but have no eyes to see
something new is going to happen
the most natural thing
but nothing we'd expect

the wife, the kids and the white picket fence / fair to midland

so i wait,
for the tug-of-war and who you'll pull for,
while between you and me from point A to point B is a fine line,
that burns at both our good ends

no one’s gonna love you / band of horses

it's looking like a limb torn off
or altogether just taken apart
we're reeling through an endless fall

build a home / the cinematic orchestra

by the cracks of the skin i climbed to the top
i climbed the tree to see the world
when the gusts came around to blow me down
i held on as tightly as you held onto me

+zip

help please!

finn2183@hotmail.com — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 20:50:06 GMT

Okay, this is random but does anyone know how you post an image as a link and not get that blue colored (or any color) link bar that wraps around it?

It's been driving me nuts trying to figure it out. And I'm sure I missing some extremely easy step, but help would be MUCH appreciated either way. :D

Answered by the lovely speakfree! Thanks, bb. <3

Who We Were When (JA/JP) Part 15

finn2183@hotmail.com — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 03:09:31 GMT

Title: Who We Were When
Author: Finn21
Characters: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I own nothing of them. And it makes me cry.

{Part 1} {Part 2} {Part 3} {Part 4} {Part 5} {Part 6} {Part 7}
{Part 8} {Part 9} {Part 10} {Part 11} {Part 12} {Part 13} {Part 14}

Notes: HA! So it's been over a year and I'm honestly shocked I finished this or that anyone's still interested in this story enough to read after having to wait all that time. The story is in fact done in case you're worried about reading this part and then having to wait another year for the final part. I can assure you that won't be the case. Thank you to those of you who have stuck around. You make it all worthwhile. *LOVES*

ETA: Just so there's no confusion, this isn't the last part of the fic. I'll be posting the final part sometime this week. :D

And now for a little recap since it's been so very very very long. Spoilers below so be wary in case you're just finding this fic now.

RECAP: Jared, a disenchanted high school senior meets Jensen, his sexy and mysterious next door neighbor. They flirt. They become friends. And then Jared realizes his feelings for Jensen aren't quite platonic (oh no!) and things spiral down into a mess of miscommunication and misunderstandings. A few drunk kisses by a dumpster outside of a bar lead to more until the two find themselves inexplicably intertwined in each other's lives. When a school friend of Jared's, named Kyle, figures out what's going on between the two of them he sets out to make Jared's life hell, turning his other friend's and classmates against him. Kyle's cousin Kate tries to step in an intervene but to no avail. Feeling lost and afraid to go back to school Jared shows up at the bottom of Jensen's staircase and they get into a fight then sleep together. A knock at the door several hours later disturbs them, only for Jared to discover it's Jensen's parents.

Who We Were When
Part 15

+++

Jared watches the door close behind Jensen when he leaves, takes a minute to breathe in and out.

His throat feels dry, he can’t think of what he’s supposed to be doing. Jensen’s parents are downstairs and he’s sitting in Jensen’s bed naked. Not the most appropriate way to meet someone, he thinks off hand, and rubs his eyes.

He reaches for his boxers and slips them on slowly, then his jeans, fitting his right leg in first and then his left. He grabs blindly for his shirt but comes up with nothing. It’s not on the bed. He looks on the floor, sees a pile of T-shirts there, rifles through them, but doesn’t find his. Shit.

Every minute that ticks by makes him look more guilty of…well. He’s not sure what it makes him look guilty of, but it can’t look exactly good if he walks out of Jensen’s room shirtless and hair messy. Yeah. That’s sure to leave a great impression on his family. Oh, hey. I’m Jared. By the way, I was just fucked by your son, great to meet you.

He doesn’t think that would probably go over too well, so he resumes the search for his shirt. Five minutes later and he’s still empty handed so he grabs the closest thing he can find, slips it over his head; a black Led Zeppelin T-shirt with white writing. It feels a little tight across his chest and shoulders but he doesn’t care, it’ll work for now.

He rakes his fingers through his disheveled hair and in an instant of pure genius grabs one of Jensen’s novel’s from off his desk.

“I found it!” he says cheerfully as he pounds down the stairs, his head aching and a tight smile on his face.

Everyone in Jensen’s foyer pauses mid-conversation and looks directly up at him: Two women, one younger, one older, and a man, also older.

Jared grips the book in his hand, something to hold onto, anything, fuck, and steadies his breathing. “I found it,” he repeats to the group, his voice unsteady, as he comes to stand in front of them, holding the book up as evidence. “I guess I accidentally left it here the other day. Stupid. Hi, I’m Jared,” he raises his arm in a small, lame hand wave, forcing his smile to widen.

When he glances to his left Jensen’s staring at him a little oddly and Jared’s not sure why. Jensen blinks blank eyes at him, shakes his head awkwardly like he can’t believe any of this is happening. “Um mom, dad, this is Jared, my next door neighbor. Jared, these are my parents Alan and Donna.”

Jensen’s dad takes Jared’s outstretched hand and gives it a tight shake, Jensen’s mom smiles at him warmly. They remind him a lot of his own parents.

He didn’t know what he expected when he came down the stairs, fire breathing dragons? Pitchforks and horns coming out of their heads? Fur coats and tuxedos? He’s got kind of a wild imagination so maybe. Yeah. But they’re not, ya know, they’re not any of those things at all. They seem…normal. If normal exists.

“Nice to meet you,” Jared says accordingly and his smile brightens a little. He notices the girl standing next to Jensen and sticks his hand out to her in a friendly gesture.

“This is my sister, MacKenzie,” Jensen adds as if it’s an afterthought and receives an eye roll from her in return.

Jared grins. “Oh hey. Good to meet you.”

“Yeah. Likewise,” MacKenzie says eyeing the Zeppelin T-shirt and takes Jared’s hand casually for a second before dropping it. Then she’s done with him, just like that, turns toward Jensen. “So we were planning on grabbing something to eat after we drop our stuff off at the hotel. Where do you wanna go?”

Jensen rubs his hands together in a slip slide motion that Jared’s come to learn means he’s either thinking or uncomfortable. Jared’s uncomfortable that’s for damn sure, he suddenly feels like he’s intruding on a moment that he’s not supposed to be a part of, and can’t find a delicate way to break free from.

“Well...,”Jensen starts and Jared pats him on the shoulder.

“I’m gonna head out, man. I’ll talk to you later. Nice to meet all of you again,” he says and begins to back up toward the door, hand reaching desperately for the doorknob.

“Yes, nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Jensen’s parents chime in.

“I’ll, ya know…,” Jensen says, watching him with dark eyes.

“Yeah,” Jared nods and flashes a brief smile at everyone else, then slips out the front door.

He starts walking back to his house when he remembers he parked his truck two blocks away. Maybe it’s a good thing. He can just take a short drive, clear his head. He’s not sure how to feel about what just happened. His head is too full. If he could, he’d crack it open and empty it out.

+++

That night Jared stays in his room, door locked, headphones on, Stone Temple Pilots blasting in his ears. He doesn’t go downstairs for dinner and no one calls for him to come out.

He thinks he hears Megan babbling in the hall outside his door at some point before it gets dark, but he can’t be sure. His head still aches in a distant sort of way, his body heavy and tired and sore, thoughts of him and Jensen fucking are floating lazily through his mind. He doesn’t try to stop them.

The air is cool enough at this hour for him to turn off his ceiling fan and let the breeze from his window glide over his body. He falls asleep with his jeans still on, body sprawled across his bed at odd angles, sheets pushed to the floor, restless.

+++

The following days at school go by uneventful. He makes no effort to talk to anyone and avoids Kate as much as possible. He can’t deal with her right now or that look of sadness she keeps giving him. Just can’t.

Ryan tries to talk to him about their homework assignment in Calc but all he can muster up is a few mumbled grunts in response.

It sounds stupid and weak and pussy in his head but he’s afraid to let anyone else in. He doesn’t want to lose Ryan as a friend, but he can’t. He can’t risk letting another person he trusts--trusted, turn around and cut him to pieces. He doesn’t think he has the strength to lose anyone else.

+++

Saturday morning he wakes up to Megan watching cartoons in the living room in her pajamas and a cold plate of breakfast waiting for him in the kitchen. He looks out the back window and sees his mom kneeling down near her garden, planting seeds and watering the soil with her big, ugly green watering can she’s had since before he can remember.

His dad’s over near the far left side of the yard inside the shed. Jared sees him walk in and out twice, grungy old Rangers ball cap on his head, before he pulls out the lawnmower.

Jared groans and clenches his jaw. He knows what that means: work time.

And of course he’s right because less than five minutes later, while he’s in the middle of eating a piece of cold bacon, his dad walks in and says, “I need your help outside when you’re done with breakfast.”

But what he really means is: I need you to mow the lawn, no complaints.

Jared nods and sighs because he doesn’t really have much of a choice and throws the rest of his food in the trash once his father walks back out.

+++

After screwing the cap to the gas can back on, Jared treads into the shed behind his dad and watches him fiddle with a little wooden box on top of his work bench. He’s currently screwing on a small clasp to the opening of the lid and Jared thinks it’s probably a jewelry box for Megan’s upcoming birthday. The dark cherry wood mixed with the silver makes it look regal and refined, pretty. Megan will love it.

His dad’s strangely crafty in a way no one else in his family is and he could’ve been something of a talented carpenter if he’d ever given it a real shot.

Instead his dad went into accounting, his brother majored in business and finance and Jared’s expected to fall somewhere in between. Only he keeps being the odd man out where his family is concerned because he doesn’t think he’ll ever really be happy with the life they’ve planned out for him, no matter how hard he tries to make himself believe it.

“All filled up,” Jared says plainly, once his dad’s finished screwing on the clasp. He sets the red gas can on a nearby rack and waits for something, anything.

“Mow the backyard first,” his dad mumbles, but doesn’t turn around. Jared feels a heavy lump start to grow in his throat.

He stands there staring at the back of his dad’s neck for a long minute, watches beads of sweat start to collect around his hairline. It’s getting hotter everyday now, not quite unbearable yet, but soon, once May rolls around it will be.

“Dad…,” Jared breathes, because he can’t stand the silent indifference he hears in his father’s voice, the way neither of his parents have been able to meet his eyes for almost a week now.

His dad stills his movements, but stays hunched over his work bench, screwdriver in hand, head bent forward.

“I need some time, son.”

The air feels thick, too heavy for his lungs.

Jared tries to inhale but the dry lump in his throat makes it difficult and he ends up cringing back a cough. “I…yeah. Yeah, alright.”

There’s not much of a breeze, but the one that hits his face once he walks out of the stifling heat of the shed makes it easier for him to breathe again. His momma’s disappeared inside, her gardening tools and gloves still sitting in between her tulips and daisies.

+++

An hour later Jared’s finished mowing the backyard and is almost done with the front. His T-shirt is tucked into the back pocket of his jeans, his own ratty baseball cap placed backwards on his head to prevent his sweat slicked hair from falling in his eyes. He’s got his headphones in his ears and is listening to an old mixtape Jeff made him two years ago; the Foo Fighters blasting in his ears.

Dave Grohl is singing the chorus to Everlong when next door Jensen’s family spills out of the house next door and walks to a green Sedan parked on the street in front of the yard.

Jared sees Jensen’s mom glance over and smile at him brightly, then wave. He waves back and sees Jensen’s sister eyeing him warily as she treads to the car. He doesn’t think Jensen’s sister likes him very much. Just a shot in the dark.

Jared’s staring at Jensen and his mom talking in the driveway so hard he briefly imagines accidentally mowing over his own foot and having to go to the emergency room so that then his dad will have to talk to him. It’s a perfect plan.

As if hearing his thoughts, Jensen chooses that moment to look over at him and give him a questioning glance. Jared wipes at his wet forehead, but doesn’t move, just watches Jensen until he gets in the car and they all drive off, a heavy rooted longing sitting deep in his chest.

“Hey,” Megan taps him on the shoulder, shaking him from his thoughts. “Can you take me to the River Walk?”

Jared tilts his head at her and squints. “Hmm. What would I get out of it?”

“My undying love?” She tries..

“Um, no,” he shakes his head. “I prefer compensation.”

“Of what kind?”

“The smoothie variety.”

“Fine,” she huffs. “Let’s go.”

+++

They’re in his truck twenty minutes later, Jared having changed his clothes and run his head under the bathroom sink. He still vaguely smells of grass and sweat but it’ll do.

He reaches over and turns up the AC, smacks Megan’s hand away from the radio.

“Hands off,” he says.

“Jerk,” she punches him in the arm and pouts.

They settle in the quiet for a moment, some crappy pop song playing softly in the background.

“Is it true?” Megan asks and she’s watching him drive, eyes glued to the side of his face.

Jared shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Is what true?”

“That you’re, um. That you’re gay?”

“What?” He swallows down the word and keeps his eyes on the road, refuses to look away. “Who told you that I was…”

“Nobody. I overheard mom and dad talking in the kitchen about it last night.”

“Oh.” He doesn’t know how to respond to that.

“So is it true?” She asks again and Jared gives her a sidelong glance, lips drawn in a thin line.

“What if it is?”

She shrugs softly. “I don’t know. It’d be kind of weird, I guess. But it’s not, you know, bad. I won’t hate you or anything if you are. You’d still be just a regular loser to me.”

Something inside Jared’s chest releases a little, he reaches his arm out to ruffle his sister’s hair. “Ah, Meg. That’s touching.”

“Screw you. I’m wonderful,” she puffs out a laugh and pushes back at him.

He’s smiling, but he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and keeps on driving.

+++

After collecting his smoothie and dropping Meg off with her friends, Jared decides to walk around for a bit. It’s felt like a long time since he’s been out by himself like this, so calm and relaxed. It’s nice.

He ambles outside of the mall to down under the coble stone bridge where a collection of vendors have set up their tables filled with arts, crafts and jewelry.

Being so close to the slow flowing river and wind cools him down and he breathes in damp air.

When he opens his eyes he sees Jensen faced away from him, leaning against one of the stone stairways that lead back up to the city. For a moment he debates whether or not to go over and talk to him, a futile effort, really, because he knows he’s going to him no matter what he actually tells himself.

He walks over steadily, pretending to bump into him when their shoulders and arms collide.

“Oh, excuse me. So sorry,” he says faux innocently and smiles at Jensen’s expression changing from one of confusion to recognition.

“Hey you,” Jensen smiles wide in return, eyes crinkling in the corner’s and Jared’s skin hums.

“So you’ve been MIA lately,” says Jared trying for nonchalant, little nervous as to what Jensen’s response will be.

But Jensen just nods and shrugs. “Yeah, I know. My parent’s have been holding me hostage all week, making me do all the touristy shit around here. They want to go to the Alamo tomorrow, again. Save me. Please.”

Jared laughs at his pleading expression. “Well, you’re alone now. Where’d they go?”

“Yeah, I escaped while my mom and sister were looking at some jewelry, said I needed to use the bathroom. They’re probably somewhere around here searching for me.”

“Do you need to go?” Jared asks and feels stupid for how earnest he sounds.

Jensen’s face softens into an amused grin, his voice low. “No, I can stay here for a minute.”

They’re standing still, watching each other, arms barely brushing back and forth. Jensen sways to the left a fraction of an inch and their hands touch, the pads of their fingers drifting together. Jared’s breath unexpectedly catches in his throat at the sudden rush of emotion he feels; he fakes a cough to hide it.

There’s people milling all around them, talking, making noise, Jared can’t hear any of it. The world’s gone quiet inside his head as he feels Jensen sweep a thumb against his knuckles, an electric jolt to his system.

“There you are!” A sunny voice breaks through the silence and Jensen pulls away. “We thought you’d be back by now. Oh, hello again. Jared, is it?”

Jared smiles tensely at Jensen’s family. “Yes, ma’am. Nice to see you all again.”

“Likewise,” Jensen’s father greets him, gives him a friendly smack on the back.

Jensen’s sister stares at him skeptically for a moment before she turns to her father and says, “Can we go inside the mall? I need to get something to wear for church.”

“Didn’t you bring anything with you?” Alan asks, and Jensen rolls his eyes.

“Well, yes,” she answers, “but I want something new.”

“You don’t need anything new.”

“Dad!”

“Oh, let her get something if she wants, Alan,” Jensen’s mom breaks in

“Fine,” he groans, “but I’m not buying anything extravagant, young lady.”

They walk through a couple stores while Jensen’s sister tries different dresses on, Jensen’s mom asking Jared about himself, if he grew up in San Antonio, where he plans to go to college, what church he attends. Jared answers all her questions while feeling Jensen’s quiet eyes on him the whole time, it’s unnerving.

He talks football with Jensen’s dad, laments about this year’s Superbowl being so lame and makes some stupid joke about the Mavericks that doesn’t go over so well.

When MacKenzie finally finds something to buy in the fifth store they go into, Jensen waits until his parents faces are turned, then presses a hand to the small of Jared’s back and whispers in his ear, “Thank you Jesus.”

Jared shivers at the warm breath against his neck and lets out a shaky laugh. He checks his watch so he can pretend Jensen touching him doesn’t affect him. His cheeks feel hot. He should really stop trying to kid himself.

MacKenzie comes up to them after she’s finished at the check out counter. Looking at Jensen, her torso turned away from Jared making him feel decidedly excluded, she says, “So we were thinking about going to a movie--”

“I don’t know, sweetie, it’s getting late now.” Donna cuts in from beside him.

“It’s, like, 9 o’clock mom, it’s not late.”

“Well, I’m ready to go back to the hotel, but if you kids want to go you can.”

Jared checks his watch again and bites his lip. “Actually, I should really go. I dropped my sister off when I got here so I’m sure she’s looking for me to go home. But it was good to see you all again.”

Jensen’s mom touches him sweetly on the face and says, “We’ll see you tomorrow, Jared.”

His cheeks are still warm when he says, “See ya,” and starts to head out of the store. He knows Jensen’s watching him the entire time.

+++

On Sunday Jared’s family shows up to church (miracle of all miracles) and takes they’re seats in one of the middle pews. They don’t come to early morning service very often, but it’s Easter and his momma had insisted that they go.

Jared’s seated closest to the main aisle, watching as people come in, greet each other and sit down. He’s not all that surprised when he sees Jensen come in with his family and sit across the aisle from him. Jensen’s mom had asked several different questions the other night at the mall, mostly consisting of whether Jared went to church and where and how he liked the clergy. It was a little awkward considering he rarely went to church other than during the holidays and his parents had never really pushed religion on him and his siblings. He felt ashamed to tell Jensen’s mother that for some strange reason, though, so instead answered her questions as best he could and hoped she couldn’t tell the difference.

When Jensen’s family is seated Jared looks over and watches Jensen pick up a bible from the cubby in front of him and place it on his lap, fingers tapping against the top of it almost anxiously. Jared stares for a long moment and then he hears the pastor step up to the pulpit and begin speaking.

He keeps sneaking peaks at Jensen through the service, he can’t help it. Jensen’s eyes are trained on the bible in his lap or the pastor, alternating between both. He looks so calm and serene except for his fingers, still beating a steady pattern, now on his thigh.

Afterwards everyone ambles outside to visit and chat, Jared’s parents talking to some of his father’s work associates, his sister across the street in the parking lot with one of her friends. Jared hangs back towards the entrance of the church, waiting. He sees Jensen’s family still inside talking with the Baxter family.

The sun isn’t blazing at this hour, just a warm touch against Jared’s face. He shoves his hands in his pants pockets and kicks at some gravel under his foot. He wishes he could’ve had breakfast before they came, he’s starving.

“Were you trying to fuck with me?” A voice comes from beside him and Jared pops his head up quickfast, a confused grin on his face.

“What?” He turns to Jensen with a questioning look.

Jensen squints at him, trying to mask a smile. “I know you were watching me through the service. I could see you. Making me all…”

“Making you what?” Jared asks and sees Jensen move around awkwardly for a minute, his eyes lowering to Jensen’s pants, his confused grin turning devilish. “Hard…? Really?”

“Um, maybe,” Jensen mumbles and looks around as if they’re about to get caught for something.

Jared laughs. “That’s not very Christian of you, Jensen.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he responds in a whispered laugh and shoves at him. “You were the one that started it.”

Jared grins and shoves him back. They stand there quietly for a minute, Jared enjoying himself and being with Jensen like this, so easy and fun.

“Your family’s nice,” he says then, an out of left field remark and Jensen’s eyes snap up to his, then back down.

“You sound surprised,” he comments, his tone more even now.

Jared puts his hands back in his pockets. “I didn’t expect them to be, I guess.”

“Okay.” Jensen shrugs and Jared can’t figure out why that bothers him.

“I don’t know. You never talk about them, I thought that meant something.”

“I’m not sure what I was supposed to tell you about them.”

There’s an awkward moment where Jensen stares at Jared’s mouth and Jared doesn’t know what to say. As he begins to respond Jensen’s family walks up to them.

“Honey, we’re going to go to breakfast now,” Jensen’s mom touches him gently on the shoulder, turns to Jared and smiles. “Good morning, Jared.”

“Good morning, ma’am.”

She smiles kindly at his manners, reaches over and grabs his hand, squeezes it once. “You are just the sweetest boy. Would you like to join us?”

Jensen’s parents are looking at him so expectantly, Jared can’t help but nod and say, “Uh, sure. I mean, thank you.”

He catches Meg in the parking lot before he leaves and tells her to let mom and dad know where he’s going. She nods, then catches sight of Jensen getting into the green Sedan 30 feet away and realization dawns on her face like a fucking neon sign, her mouth dropping open, eyes wide.

“Hey!” She shouts at him, but he just waves, pretends like he can’t hear her and gets in the back of the car.

+++

For breakfast they go to this small diner not far from Jared’s neighborhood that he’s been to a million times. Jensen’s mom is saying how ‘cute’ and ‘quaint’ it is and how she wishes they had more places like this in Richardson. To Jared it’s nothing more than a boring old restaurant with plastic flowers on the tables and great omelets.

Once they’re seated, Jared sifts through the menu a few times before he decides he’s going to get what he always gets and excuses himself to go to the bathroom before the waiter arrives to take their orders. In the back hallway of the diner sits the men’s and women’s bathrooms, tucked in a corner away from the main dining area. Jared is walking past the women’s bathroom to get to the men’s when Jensen’s sister walks out and they barely miss smacking right into one another.

“Oh, hey,” Jared steps back and grins awkwardly. “Almost ran into you, sorry about that.”

MacKenzie’s much smaller than him, shorter than his own sister by about three inches, and very slight. The way she’s watching him though, he feels about 2 feet tall.

“So you like Zeppelin?” She says, apropos of nothing.

Jared shifts on his feet and cracks the knuckles on his right hand unconsciously. “I um, yeah. I guess. Why?”

“So does my brother. That’s why I got him one of their T-shirts for his last birthday.”

It takes Jared a second but then he remembers last week, coming downstairs from Jensen’s room with that stupid Led Zepplin T-shirt on because he couldn’t find his own, all the wary looks she’d been giving him since they first met, it all makes sense. Because now he’s sure she knows about him and Jensen, and fuck. Jared doesn’t have a goddamn clue what to do now. Not a one.

“I…,” he begins, but trails off. Is there really anything he can say that won’t sound like a lie or an excuse, other than the truth? He doesn’t know.

It doesn’t seem as if MacKenzie’s interested in hearing whatever he has to say either way however, because he blinks and then she’s in his space, standing right in front of him, her eyes glistening, her mouth stretched into grim frown.

“Don’t do this to my family,” she pleads with her eyes, big and bright. “Please,” she says and it’s a whisper.

Jared stands there dumbly until she straightens exhales slowly, turns and walks away. It takes what feels like an hour before he can collect himself enough to walk into the restroom and throw some water on his face. He refuses to start hyperventilating.

He treads dazedly back to the table and takes a seat next to Jensen who is looking animatedly through his menu.

“So what do you think I should get? An omelet or waffles?” Jensen gives him a conspiratorially grin from behind his menu at the last suggestion.

Jared just stares at the glass of water sitting in front of him, too many thoughts bouncing like a pinball inside his head. She knew. She hadn’t told anyone. She hadn’t told anyone because she wanted Jared to stay away from Jensen. Like he was. Like he was some kind of fucking disease.

He feels nausea.

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, line of sight still trained on his glass of water.

Jensen glances at him and the grin falls from his lips. He leans closer to Jared’s side. “Hey. You okay?”

“Yes,” Jared replies rigidly, but Jensen doesn’t seem to buy it and moves to say something else when their waiter appears.

“Good morning guys and gals! My name’s Jamie and I’ll be your server today. Can I get you all started with something to drink?”

They order their drinks from Jaime in quiet succession, Jaime’s black painted fingernails brushing against his notepad as he writes everything down. He swipes some of his blue and purple hair out of his eyes and tucks it behind an ear pierced with several silver hoops. Anyone who’s been to the diner more than a few times knows about Jaime’s wild style and behavior. He dresses a bit differently from the people in Jared’s town and acts more flamboyant than most, but he’s always been an awesome waiter in Jared’s opinion, and even more of a kickass person for bringing him extra fries and free drinks when he comes in with friends.

So when Jaime leaves to go retrieve their drinks and Jensen’s mom stiffly says, “We should request a new waiter,” Jared pops his head up not sure he’s heard her right.

“It’s fine, darlin’,” Alan pats his wife’s clasped hands, trying to sweep away her words. She pulls her arms down and sits up straight in her seat, her expression cold.

“No, it’s not. It’s an abomination and I don’t want it near me.”

Jared freezes in place, his body tensing all over, eyes unable to stop from looking at her.

Jensen’s dad sighs under his breath. “Donna…”

“Alan,” she sends him a sharp glare and he deflates.

“All right. I’ll be back in a minute,” he pushes back in his seat and exits from their table.

Everything quiets around them. MacKenzie grips the edge of her menu tighter, the tips of her ears turning bright red. Jensen’s staring a hole into the white tablecloth, unmoving. Jared waits for him to speak, to say something, anything.

He doesn’t.

The world becomes a giant thumping heartbeat in Jared’s ear, everything else sounding hollow and far away. He tries to pretend nothing’s changed. He orders his breakfast, moves it around his plate precariously and never takes one bite.

When they park in front of Jensen’s house an hour later Jared mumbles out a good bye he won’t later remember saying and goes up to his room. He sheds his clothes, gets into the shower and stands under scalding hot water for so long it becomes ice cold and begins to numb his skin. Only then does he open his eyes and unclench pearl white fists.

+++

He gets home from school the next day and the green Sedan in front of Jensen’s house is gone. Jared’s doesn’t let himself stare at the empty space for too long, just goes inside to the living room, drops his backpack by the couch and turns on the television.

He watches half an episode of The Simpsons when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Ryan.

“Hey, man,” Ryan says and he’s wearing a lopsided grin, holding a video game in his hand. “You busy?”

“Not really.”

“Wanna play some Madden?”

Jared shrugs and pulls Ryan through the front door by his head, gives him a fierce noogy.

Ryan chuckles as he wriggles away then thumps Jared on the forehead. “Fucker. Prepare to be slaughtered!”

Only after their third round Ryan’s the one being annihilated and Jared is thouroughly enjoying every minute of it when out of the blue there’s another knock at the door, this one just as unexpected as the first.

Jared gets up and moves toward the door. “Pause it, dude.”

“I’m not gonna cheat,” Ryan says all doe eyed and innocent.

Jared cocks his head and purses his lips.

Ryan hits the pause button, drops the controller and folds his arms in front of his chest. “Whatever. You don’t know me.”

Jared laughs and turns back to the door. When he opens it and sees Jensen on the other side, the smile slips slowly off his face, his body instantly going stiff.

Jensen doesn’t say anything, just stares at him for what seems like forever. Jared shifts on his feet anxiously and glances down, then up through the veil of his eyelashes. Jensen still says nothing.

Jared sighs and waits another minute before he finally says, “What do you want?”

Jensen drops his gaze below Jared’s eye line, not looking at his face. “Can we talk?”

Jared doesn’t give himself time to say anything because he’s not entirely sure he won’t say no, so he gestures for Jensen to come inside his house and then ushers him past the living room where Ryan is watching them with confusion written on his face and into the kitchen. He backs himself against the kitchen counter so that he’s a couple feet away and says, “Talk.”

Jensen goes back to looking at everywhere but him, only this time he’s started rubbing his hands together.

“I don’t really know what to say, man.”

“Kind of defeats the purpose of you being here then, doesn’t it?” Jared replies coldly, feeling the rush of emotions he’s been pushing down for the last 24 hours begin to spark and crackle inside of him like the beginning of a fire.

Jensen glances up at him at that, his eyes night ocean dark. “Jared.”

“I’m just saying, what’s the point of—“

“Shut up,’” Jensen cuts him off with a heated glare. “Just. Look. I’ve made a lot of mistakes okay, and I could blame that on my family, but I don’t want that. It’s not their fault. Not really. They don’t even know,” he says, pacing in front of Jared now, a desperate wildness to him that Jared’s never seen before.

But Jensen’s words only fuel Jared’s growing anger. His eyes are wide, his head shaking back and forth incredulously. “Why are you defending them? Just because they don’t know doesn’t make it right.”

Jensen stops in place and looks down to his hands, quietly utters, “They’re my family, man.

Jared steps forward, his voice low. “Yeah, and you lie to them every single day.”

“Fuck you,” Jensen hisses. “You don’t know what I’ve gone through.”

“Because you don’t tell me,” Jared throws back at him.

Jensen clenches his jaw, straightens his posture as if shoring himself up. “My brother knows,” he says solemnly. “I told him after I first moved out to L.A. because I was freaking out and needed some support and I didn’t have anyone else to turn to and you know what he did? He spit in my face and called me a dirty fag. We haven’t spoken since.”

Jared tries to steady his heartbeat as he watches all the emotion flow through Jensen’s eyes. He takes another step forward, feeling himself drawn, always drawn closer to Jen. “That doesn’t mean the rest of your family will react like him,” he says softer this time, attempting calm.

It doesn’t work.

Jensen gives him an empty stare, his lips drawn in a pale, thin line.

“No, they’ll just disown me,” he counters dully.

Jared puffs out an exasperated breath and closes his eyes briefly. “How do you know that for sure unless you try? How?”

“I just know.”

Jared feels the heat rising in his stomach again, searing inside his blood. “You’re such a goddamn hypocrite. Everything you said to me; all that shit you told me about not caring what other people think. You’re…”

“What?” Jensen says and his eyes are shooting holes through Jared now, alive and ferocious, their bodies only a foot apart. “I’m what? Go ahead and fucking say it.”

“You’re scared!” Jared explodes at him, letting the inferno inside his chest come bursting out, he gets up in Jensen’s space but doesn’t touch him. “You’re so afraid of what your family will think of you that you lie to yourself and everyone around you. Just say something real for once. Be honest with me.”

Jensen looks at him so darkly blank Jared doesn’t even recognize him, Jensen’s like a stone wall, completely closed off, impenetrable. When he speaks it’s through gritted teeth. “You think you know everything. You’re 17 years old. You’re a fucking child. You don’t know shit!”

Jared turns away from him, shoulders tense, voice tight.

“Go to hell.”

Jensen grimaces, mutters with a bitter shake of his head, “I will.”

It’s said so quietly that Jared doesn’t hear him at first, doesn’t understand what Jensen means, but then he stops, inhales and all the puzzle pieces snap into place: Jensen’s self-loathing, his parents, the unspoken truths. Jared spins around, every muscle in his body taut like a coiled spring ready to break.

“Don’t give me that bullshit about how we’re evil sinners and God hates us. Don’t say that shit to me, Jensen. I know what I believe in. I finally know where I stand and if you want to hate yourself for the rest of your life because you like dick then—

He doesn’t have a chance to finish his sentence because Jensen’s rammed him into the closest wall, slamming his back into the cold, hard surface, his head cracking against it in a deafening sound. There’s two hands pressed into him, one on his shoulder and the other on his neck, fingers digging into his skin agonizingly deep. Hot breath beats down on his collarbone like a flame; he looks into Jensen’s eyes and sees so much fear reflecting back at him it makes him ill.

“You’re a coward,” Jared says, voice rough and wrought with pain.

At those words Jensen blows out an almost hysterical laugh and drops his arms to his side, moves his face a fraction closer to Jared’s like he’s going to destroy him. But he doesn’t. Instead he simply narrows his stormy green eyes. Their mouths almost touching when he grinds out, “You’re not worth it,” then steps away, done.

Everything goes out of focus then. Jared can’t think straight, feels disjointed and wrong, so wrong. He reaches blindly for Jensen, his other hand clenching into solid rock. There’s half a second before, where Jensen knows what’s going to happen but he doesn’t shield himself, just lets Jared slam his fist into Jensen’s face so hard he falls to the ground.

For a few brief seconds there’s only still silence filling the room, Jensen holding a hand against his cheekbone. He blinks a few dozen times in a flurry and glances up at Jared as if the last several minutes are all flashing before him, everything becoming clear. A horrified expression spreads across his features.

“Jay,” he murmurs, swaying unevenly on his feet as he stands.

“Get out,” Jared says, his own breaths tearing painfully through his throat. He holds his throbbing fist and steps back, moving as far from Jensen as he can, the world blurring around him.

Jensen moves forward as if to touch him, looking absolutely wrecked. “Fuck. I didn’t…”

“GET OUT!” Jared screams, throwing a careless arm up to point unsteadily at the door or block the space between them, he’s not sure. He flinches and locks his hurt hand to his chest, ready to curl up on the kitchen floor and die.

Jensen attempts to make one more move toward Jared but stops himself, as if he sees an expression on Jared’s face that makes him think twice. He waits a beat then treads unevenly out of the kitchen and a moment later Jared hears his front door open and close.

Once he’s gone Jared walks back out to the living room where a stunned Ryan is peering at him from the couch.

He can’t think of what to do now, he can hardly even breathe. He takes a seat on the couch, hunching forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. His eyes are burning white hot, he wipes an angry hand across them and his fingers come away wet.

Ryan sits motionless beside him. He doesn’t speak, but he doesn’t leave and that’s good enough.

[TBC]

finn2183@hotmail.com — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 21:56:33 GMT

Oh, wow. I can't even believe I did it. Over a year later and I FINALLY finished Who We Were When. I'm a little shocked and proud of myself to be honest. I'm not even sure anyone still cares about this fic but...yeah. Man, I'm just happy I finished something I started.

I feel all super accomplished now. *beams*

i think the word you're looking for is symbolism

finn2183@hotmail.com — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 16:31:51 GMT

Two wallpapers. Twilight - Jasper/Alice and Jared/Jensen

[1024X819]

[1024X819]

we fight we break up we kiss we make up

finn2183@hotmail.com — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 16:33:00 GMT

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are going to be in a movie together! This makes me incredibly happy. I did some more searching and it seems that there's going to be singing in the movie by both of them as well. EEE! I can't wait to see Zooey sing on the big screen. :D

Fun Twilight fact of the day: I'm having dreams where actors are vampires and werewolves. These books are mindfucking me. LOL. I shouldn't feel so helpless to it since I can stop reading if I choose to. But I feel helpless anyway. :/

I sort of want fic now where Jared and Jensen are vampires who have been alive for a century and are rich and bored until they find one another. HAHA, I feel so ashamed for writing that. Shh. Let's pretend I didn't and move on.

So her lyrics can be crude but her voice is sexy as hell and and I like it okay. I do. And I'm not really sure why I feel the need to share this but that doesn't really matter. Take if you like. Number 3 and 7 are my favorites.

01. One Of The Boys
02. I Kissed A Girl
03. Waking Up In Vegas
04. Thinking Of You
05. Mannequin
06. Ur So Gay
07. Hot N Cold
08. If You Can Afford Me
09. Lost
10. Self Inflicted
11. I'm Still Breathing
12. Fingerprints

+Zip

this post brought to you by my insanity

finn2183@hotmail.com — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:37:45 GMT

The DAZZLE/JOKER wars over at ohnotheydidnt are cracking my shit up. Jokered! LOL. I wish I knew how to use sparkle text because then I'd be all over that shiz.

I was listening to Heart on my playlist this morning as per usual and I realized that the lyrics to their song Alone really fit E/B.

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
you don't know how long i have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown

That's REALLY deep, right?

I'm almost done with the 2nd book and onto the 3rd. TWILIGHT IS EATING MY BRAIN, PEOPLE. MAKE IT STOP!!!

HAHA. Everyone's totally just gonna scroll on over this post, aren't they? It's cool. It's better if everyone ignores it. Maybe then it'll go away. Like a pimple or something.

this modern love

finn2183@hotmail.com — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:53:47 GMT

I'm having a shit-tay week. So I did some photoshopping to make myself feel better.

[1024X768]

i miss hitting on that guy

finn2183@hotmail.com — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:08:24 GMT

BIG BANGS!!!

I'm rolling around in all the wonderful stories like a crack whore with her...erm crack. *DANCES*

I don't know how I'm gonna find time to read them all in between taking care of a 3 month old, trying to read the Twilight series (OH YES! I'm doing it. I feel a little silly about it, but I'm doing it anyway.) and you know, living my life, but I'll find the time. I will.

Shamelessly stolen from peopleareshapes

You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:
1. one weapon.
2. one song blasting on the speakers.
3. one famous person to fight alongside you.

* Weapon can be real or fictional; you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.

Weapon: Force field. But if I couldn't have that then...chainsaw. Gotta cut their heads off right? Vrrvrrm!

Song: Party Hard - Andrew W.K., because when I'm fighting blood thirsty zombies I want to have a good time ok? None of that dark and gloomy stuff for me!

Famous Guy: I totally pick Tony Stark because 1) when I freak the fuck out about zombies being REAL he would be all smooth and calm and tell me not to lose my cool and I would listen because he's IRONMAN, and 2) because he could create a bomb or a flame thrower with a piece of gum and a toothpick in about 5-MacGyver-seconds and save our lives. I wouldn't even have to do anything. It would rock!

Well I never used to notice this awful quiet
And fall was just the calm before the next spring riot
Of wildflowers and lunatic rivers
Sweat jumping off of the skin of love givers

I know I'm usually the last to the party but have you guys heard of The Be Good Tanyas? I came across some of their songs today and WOW, I adore the lead singer's voice. Such pretty music. I'd being willing to upload it if anyone's interested.

wow. you seem to know a lot about husbands.

finn2183@hotmail.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:36:18 GMT

Dudes! I have to tell you this because I can't tell my RL friends. But Nik = TOTAL FANGIRL. We just finished watching the second season of How I Met Your Mother and he's all DISTRESSED and UPSET because Robin and Ted broke up. He actually said to me: "This is making me all emotional." LOL. He has emotions, guys, over a TV show! I never thought he'd admit it.

I mean, I'd started to see the signs that he had the tendency to be a shipper last year when he REFUSED to watch The Office with me after Pam had that fling with Roy for a couple episodes because he's all Jim/Pam *SPARKLY HEARTS*. It took a lot of persuasion before I could get him to watch with me again. And then of course there's Mythbusters where he won't shut up about the fact that he thinks Kari/Tory are a SUPERSEEKRIT couple off camera and they have lots of dirty sex and are in loooooooooooooooove.

It's hard for me not to come out and tell him that if he wrote down all the porny little stories he tells me about the two of them he would be writing FANFICTION HAHA. I don't know what to do with him. SIGH.

However, NONE of this is the point. THE POINT IS, Nik thinks that Robin/Ted are TWULUV4EVA and he doesn't yet know about Robin/Barney, which, I totally do and can't wait for. So the real question is, who is more AWESOME?

POLL TIME!

View Poll: How I Met Your Mother

+++

On a completely different note can I just say how much it annoys me when someone posts icons to a comm and when you go to click on the link you find out you have to JOIN the user's icon lj first. WHY?! I don't want to join your effing community, okay! I just want to look at your pretty colored iconz!

You know sometimes I just want to post a list of things about fandom that piss me off, but I always chicken out. Maybe one day.

Super fun happy time! Or not.

finn2183@hotmail.com — Sat, 24 May 2008 03:05:07 GMT

So I just spent the last hour reading posts from Fandom_Wank and now I'm all sadface. I DON'T know why I read things that make me feel icky on the inside. That's a bad habit I should really STOP.

Things that DO float my boat?

Speed Racer!

It was like staring at a Lisa Frank trapper keeper while on acid and listening to the Fantasia soundtrack. I TOTALLY dug it.

Also?

Indiana Jones!!

IRON MAN!!!

HAHA. I need to stop clicking on posts at ohnotheydidnt that I'm actually interested in because then I just get annoyed. Kids be fuckin' ruthless over there.

The ones about Kanye's MANBAG and Jesse McCartney's love life, though? Are ACE.

Leaving on a jet plane/Don't know when I'll be back again

finn2183@hotmail.com — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:56:42 GMT

So, I'm heading to Colorado tonight for a 2 week stay with Nik's family. It'll be really nice to have some help with Sammy. Although, I'm not sure if it's a good trade off: babysitter for in-laws? Um...no. HAHA, I kid!

The real tragedy of this whole ordeal is that our plane leaves at 8pm tonight so I'll be missing The Office and SUPERNATURAL. *CRIES TEARS OF SORROW* And unless I can get ahold of a couple hours to myself and the internet while I'm gone I'm going to have to wait 2 WEEKS TO SEE MY SHOWS. CURSE YOU WORLD!

So if I'm not around that's why, because I don't have internet or if I do I haven't had a chance to watch those shows yet so I'm staying away so I won't be spoiled. IT WILL BE HARD.

Feel my pain, guys. I wanna know what's gonna go down with Dean and Sam.

Oh, life.

You're The Tide - Supernatural LP - Gen

finn2183@hotmail.com — Mon, 12 May 2008 20:08:24 GMT

I realize in retrospect that the cover art kind of looks like Brokeback Mountain meets The Blue Lagoon, which ha, so not the look I was going for. I do, however, have a strange fondness for this mix even if deep down I feel like it didn't really come together in the way I'd pictured in my head. Either way, I wouldn't say this is a Dean mix. It features songs mostly geared toward Dean and his feelings/fears about his impending future, but for me you can't really have Dean without Sam and vice versa. So in saying that, a good portion of these songs have to do with Sam as much as they do Dean, their lives endlessly intertwined. *emo tear*

LOL. I take this stuff WAY too seriously.

Oh, yeah. I also wrote a drabble thingy. I don't know why.

You're The Tide That Swept Us Into Ruins

When he was young, Dean loved the deep piercing
sound of silence. In the mornings before dawn, before
his father or his brother woke, he would lie still
in bed and listen for the barest hint of noise.
He would hold his breath and wait.

Some days he thought he could almost hear the sunrise
break across the horizon, shatter the earth into
a million tiny pieces, only to meld it altogether again
once the sky turned a rich blue amongst the clouds.
He wondered what it would sound like if everyone in
the world stilled for one moment. He wondered if the
quiet would echo in the darkness like it did in his dreams.

"Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels" - Matthew 25:41

You're The Tide That Swept Us Into Ruins

bloodhounds on my trail / the black angels

standing on the front porch
looking left and looking right
the bloodhounds out to get me
i already feel the fight

until the end / breaking benjamin

alone i walk the winding way
it's over no longer
i feel it growing stronger
i'll live to die another day
until i fade away

never too late / three days grace

even if i say
it'll be alright
still i hear you say
you want to end your life
now and again we try
to just stay alive

falling down / atreyu

you 're looking over your shoulder
staring down the path
i'm falling down falling down falling down

who’ll stop the rain / creedence clearwater revival

good men through the ages
trying to find the sun

plastic man, you’re the devil / pink mountaintops

so bad news for you baby
we’re through with your wartime plans
the newsman and orderlies
have cleansed you of their hands
and i wish i could save you
cause goddamn i’m a peace loving man

it’s not my time / 3 doors down

there's a fear in me
it's not showing
this could be the end of me
and everything i know

red sam (acoustic) / flyleaf

but who are you
you are the truth
out screaming these lies
you are the truth
saving my life

shuffle your feet / black rebel motorcycle club

who knows if i'll see you again

+ ZIP

Kripke'd!

finn2183@hotmail.com — Thu, 08 May 2008 16:05:13 GMT

So I saw this quote on missy_jack's page and had to post it here. It's from Kripke's recent interview about the SPN finale and such.

And then about the finale, I assume Jensen Ackles' character dies and that's the last we'll see of him on the show?

Yes, Jensen wanted to focus on movies, and he wouldn't give me the 25 percent salary kickback I demanded, so he's leaving the series. Chad Michael Murray is joining the cast to replace him, and next year will be like that season on Dukes of Hazzard where it was Vance and Coy instead of Bo and Luke. Everything's gonna be a little bit off, but it'll be good...I think you'll like it.

HAHA. Can you guys IMAGINE it? Can you?

Well just in case you can't imagine the AWESOMENESS of the possibility, here ya go.

LOL @ THE WORLD. Chad please come on SPN so my life can be complete.

Maybe the best part of this whole thing is when I was looking for a picture of The Chad to manip I came across this little jem. The boy has never looked innocent a day in his WHOLE life. But seriously? The more important question here is why does he have a garter around his arm? HAHAHA. Oh, man. ILU CHAD.

Why don’t you tell him that I’m leavin’ never to come back again
You found somebody who does it better than he can
No more making you cry, no more them gray skies
Girl we flying on a G5 G5
And I’m leavin’ never lookin back again…
So go on shawty and tell him you found a new man

BWAH! Someone totally FORGOT to send me the memo that Jesse McCartney is now Usher.

P.S. I still love you One Tree Hill

finn2183@hotmail.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:49:52 GMT

re: Supernatural

Um, this is a little late but I feel the need to state that I LOVED the episode. I sort of have a little crush on Ben Edlund and his ability to make such likeable two dimensional characters. It's not really his fault they're two dimensional, really, he can only do so much with a 45 minute tv show but. He makes them as fun and relatable as possible and I kind of envy him a lot for it.

Because I? Had a wee little crush on Corbett and his dorktasticness.

And hearing Sam and Dean cuss like two 17 year old boys playing XBOX in their mom's basement filled me with immense glee. 'Cuz like a bunch of people have already said, in my head they've been cursing like that for the whole series. Mmmhmm.

re: The Offive

Is Jim dying inside? Has he contracted an incurable disease? Because seriously? Homeboy needs to liven up a bit, he's sort of making me sad.

Hold Pam's hand Jim! Touch her arm. Laugh. Get angry at Toby. Show emotion.

Like this. It pleases me.

ETA:

Um. That needed to be added.

i don't sound like that, dean! /that's what you sound like to me.

finn2183@hotmail.com — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:08:37 GMT

So I've been re-watching parts of S2 (namely Tall Tales and Born Under a Bad Sign) because I love me some boy wrestling and Demon!Sam. And I had this weird desire to read a fic where Dean and Sam are both demons that escaped from hell after several years and have to deal with the fact that the world has changed from what they remember and also, they're kind of, ya know, evil now.

I'm sort of curious as to which of them would struggle more with their ev0l side. Most of me wants to say it would of course be Sam, but what if it wasn't? What if Sam became OMGSOEV0L and he was totally cool with it, all 'Fuck YEAH, I love killing and pillaging and being a huge badass that can get whatever he wants! RAWR.'

And then there's Dean who's all 'Let's be vigilantes and kill the bad people to help the good people, and then we can take their money for our own. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!'

+++

And I was thinking about Jus in Bello the other day and how I love that Ruby makes decisions and goes with them, never flinches, never wavers. She's more than willing to jump into the hornets nest and deal with whatever comes at her and that's pretty damn awesome. So. So I say this:

All the way, baby!

Heehee haha!

finn2183@hotmail.com — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 05:21:36 GMT

Three things I'm ashamed enough of to admit:

1. I went to see Step Up 2 The Streets on Friday. HA! What? I don't know.

2. I've been listening to Nine in the Afternoon by Panic At The Disco everyday, multiple times a day for 2 weeks now. Um...yeah.

3. I'm considering buying my unborn daughter one(er...maybe several) of those baby bling pacifiers. Doesn't every child need pointless sparkly things?

P.S. I know I haven't been posting like I promised, or at all really. Life is crazy busy and stressful and being pregnant takes up so much time. Well, that and spending time with Nik. I only have about 6 more weeks to go and then the baby should be here!!! *dances* I'm excited not to be a whale anymore, and to also...ya know, see my baby girl. I've already got a pink frilly dress all ready for her.

Those of you against everything pink however, (although I'm not sure why you would be, pink is awesome) rest assured. Her room is this cool jungle theme with greens and blues and reds because I love elephants. I love elephants A LOT.

finn2183@hotmail.com — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 01:01:34 GMT

So I'm on vacation and I've been having an awesome time with my fam, seeing my best buddy, tanning by the pool and going to see movies. OMG STARDUST/HAIRSPRAY! Best combination of all time.

But then I woke up utterly miserable today with a sore throat and nasal congestion so congesty that my head feels plated in steal armor. Not cool, dudes. Not cool.

Plus, my work is making me cry from half way across the country. They are that magical. Oh, how I do NOT miss my work.

This vid makes me incredibly happy, though. It's Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves singing Droplets. And it's so beautiful, you guys. I've probably watched this thing a bajillion times since I found it the other day.

Their harmonization is really amazing.

finn2183@hotmail.com — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 01:39:45 GMT

P.S. I'm not dead.

Have been working long, LONG hours at my job, dealing with friend drama, spending quality time with the bf and being sadface all over the place. Also, I like to rhyme. My new project in line is to become the next big rapping sensation.

I like my blouses the size of houses because then my mouses can bounces all over the couches. Fo shizzle. Yo.

Fact: I am actually working on fic. Shocking, but true.

And I'm going on vacation next week so I should become a spamming fool while I'm off. Theoretically speaking, of course, if my mom doesn't smother me to death once she sees me.

The kid in this movie makes me think of what Jensen was probably like as a kid. I always thought he was probably rather awkward. Awkward and off in his own little world, but cute.

The "Tropes"

finn2183@hotmail.com — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:01:38 GMT

Have just returned from Berkeley where I met the lovely foursome of miss_begonia, torturemysoul, dark_reaction, and overnighter. Twas a splendid and exciting event. I apologize if I seemed a little quiet at times, ladies. I am shy at heart.

Discussion topics of awesomeness during said visit:

The Great Gatsby J2
The Jensen Effect
Gay Chicken
Old fandoms of Shame (AHAHA! Mine has Chad. I win.)
Mormons
A fic where Jared's an emo girl who wants to be a boy who fucks other boys who writes RPS
THE CHAD (He just likes to come up, ya know?)
Mike randomly chasing after Tom. Naked.
Gavin Newsom
Jared and Jensen seeking out Gavin Newsom and throwing themselves at him so he will legalize their OTPGAYMARRIAGEOFLOVE in America. Hee.

Shouldn't somebody write that? Hahaha.

La la la la. Off to check up on the flist now and possibly do some actual writing. I'll see if my muse cooperates with me today. Ye-ah.

this is what happens when i can't sleep

finn2183@hotmail.com — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 09:04:57 GMT

BEFORE/

AFTER/

want, take, have. it's kewl. i made this for nik because he has a man crush on amy lee. heh. i'm tired and amused and have no need for capslock. good times.

Thursday's just aren't Friday's

finn2183@hotmail.com — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 19:01:20 GMT

Name 3 things you want to see pictures of and I will post them.

Anything goes!

rubble rubble rubble

finn2183@hotmail.com — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 21:26:40 GMT

HAHAHAHA! What?

+++

I was on imdb the other day, on Channing Tatum's page for some random reason, reading his message board, which yeah, never a good idea because the people that post there are stupidly annoying and also stupid.

So I come across this post where someone is talking about how Channing mentioned he was Bi in a GQ article. And I think I already knew that, but I'd forgotten. I had a dream that night that Jensen told GQ he was Bi and Danneel read it and asked him who he'd been with. Like, she was grilling him and he wouldn't tell her, said it wasn't any of her business--didn't matter--wasn't important, but really it was because he'd been with Jared and no one could know because of Sandy and everything.

It was kind of a depressing dream, really. And also strange, because it was one of those dreams where I wasn't really present but more like an audience member and I could feel everything Jensen was feeling and he was so sad. He had all these fucked up feelings for Jared but he really wanted it to work out with Danneel, he calls her Danny in his head, but he knows it won't--that things won't work out and eventually they'll get tired of each other and move on and he'll still want Jared and Jared will still be with Sandy.

I don't know why my Jensen is so emo. I feel like giving him a hug and telling him to go watch Comedy Central or something. Jeez. Kid needs to lighten up.

+++

Saw 1408 on Friday. I love John Cusack and Stephen King. They make a good combo. Check it out, dudes. If you like scary movies without that much gore, you'll love this.

+++

This is how you'll know the end of the universe is near. Heh.

+++

I've started writing Part 15 of W4. I know. *gasps* It's been a long time. I had to skim previous parts to remember what happened. God. That sounds so horrible, but I don't want to write on something when I'm not feeling it because then it comes out all shitty, ya know?

Regardless, I think I got my muse for it back and am writing on it again. So yay! Even if no one still cares I'm bound and determined to finish this sucker for my own piece of mind. I need to finish it.

+++

I've been trying to find this acoustic Foo Fighters song but every version I've found has one or several of the band members talking either before the song or after and that bothers me. I just want to hear the song, that's all.

Has anyone ever had this problem before? It bugs.

finn2183@hotmail.com — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 22:54:25 GMT

At work today I heard this conversation between a group of three guys.

Guy 1: I almost got married last month. Almost.
Guy 2: Don't do it, dude.
Guy 3: Women are evil.
Guy 2: Women totally deteriorate after they get married.
Guy 3: Yeah, they stop caring what they look like and don't care if they get fat.
Guys 2: Yeah, yeah. Guys don't really change, but married chicks totally let themselves go. It's gross.

Um...what.the.fuck?

Sometimes I want to stab men in their ignorant, shallow, superficial, egotistical, self-centered heads. Every last one of them.

+++

In other news writer's block sucks. A lot. I can't seem to write more than 300-500 words at a time and I so badly want to write. My hands are itching. Itching I tell you!

+++

I wanna do another fanmix, but I'm not sure of what. Any suggestions?

Fandoms I'd be willing to mix:

Supernatural (duh)
Friday Night Lights
The Office
CWRPS
Other (let me know)

i'll keep bending til i break

finn2183@hotmail.com — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 01:22:46 GMT

+ I'm in one of those moods today. The kind where I feel like I'm good at doing a lot of little things and great at nothing. It mostly has to do with the fact that I've been consumed by Big Bang fics for the last week. They're all so damn good it's giving me an inferiority complex. *cries*

Seriously, though, I'm gonna read them all. I'm determined. And if you haven't read any yet you should do it. NOW.

+ SPN stuff. I read the spoiler even though I hate spoilers and ya know? Whatever. I love Kripke and Jared and Jensen and random extra guy from episode 15 so...yeah. Not worried.

Let's make love fandom not...er, angryletterwritingtothenetworkcampaign.

paramore - RIOT!

01. For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
02. Thats What You Get
03. Hallelujah
04. Misery Business
05. When It Rains
06. Let the Flames Begin
07. Miracle
08. Crushcrushcrush
09. We Are Broken
10. Fences
11. Born for This

+Zip+

I love this band. True story. They're more pop-punk than alternative, kind of in the same vein as Fall Out Boy, Boys Like Girls, or All Time Low (if you don't usually follow that type of music). The lyrics are fun and pretty and it's the kind of music that just makes you happy. At least I'm always happy when I listen to it. So give it a try, you might dig it, yo!